Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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