she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
