every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
