Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
