Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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