This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
