I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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