he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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