I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
