so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
