I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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