Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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