I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
