apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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