The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
