Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
