My friends, they love my intelligence
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
