mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
