Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
