I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
