I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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