I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He did a backflip because drugs
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
