I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
