Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I didn't notice because vodka
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
