Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
