Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
