thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
