i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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