When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
