I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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