I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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