so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
