at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
