all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Randomize
