So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
