there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
