That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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