was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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