Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
