Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
