JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
