i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
