I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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