she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
