Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
