Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
