It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
