I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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