I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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