her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
