I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
